Tuesday, 15 December 2015
I’m sure you’ve all had the experience of everything getting on top of you and not being able to deal with it. I bought my first house and moved back to my hometown, with a new partner, and started a new job all at the same time. I panicked. It was all too much. By speaking to a few women I know, they have had the strange experience of it being so good that you worry when it’s all going to go wrong. It was almost too much change at once. Pathetic it may seem and some people may wonder why I can’t appreciate the great when it’s great but when some women are used to being disappointed then it’s what you get used to. You get used to being hurt, let down or being a disappointment to others. You feel you aren’t good enough. I had to push my way through this emotional barrier in order to feel more stable. I still feel naïve and almost like I don’t deserve the true blessings I have in this life. But I've come to realise that those feelings are there because I'm scared. Scared of the only thing I've wanted to vanish into thin air. This time I'm holding onto it with both hands.
Then I met Susan*. And another half a dozen women that all feel what I feel too. Susan is an acupuncturist and has opened my eyes to the part of me that was hiding away. Through my life long fear of needles, the day I went to her was a day where I would have done anything to stop me worrying. The needles aren’t even needles – they’re small pins and they’re placed in certain parts of the body to heal and calm. Just seeing her twice a week to talk to was just what I needed. She listens and soothes. She is a blessing. She told me about my genetic makeup and that I openly pick up other people’s emotions very easily. That’s why my brain gets swamped because I absorb so much that I confuse myself with what I actually feel/think/want. The people around me now need to ask questions to initiate my ideas, not fill me with their thoughts on what they think is right. I can decide this now. I think it’s a turning point in understanding the adult brain and moving to a place where I’m comfortable with my decisions.
The other women that feel the same made me realise that I’m not alone. We all suffer from these periods of weakness where there may seem like there’s no way out. But there is. You have to find it. Find your way of gently calming and healing yourself. Whether that is by walking, knitting, visiting old friends, making a cake, raking the garden - making a small difference. These small differences add up and soon you’ll be back on track. Being back on track means you may not be on the same track as before. Things may change; I realized that my life was taking a turn in a new direction. Periods of panic equals periods of change. We all have to adapt and embrace the new found form we find ourselves creating.
The constant awareness we have to put on in order to stand up to correctness of today’s fast-pace living can be overwhelming. I would sometimes feel bad about taking a rest, that if I wasn’t busying myself with housework then I wasn’t doing a proper job. Underneath it all, I was petrified that if I didn’t do everything perfectly then my partner would leave me, like what happened before. However, I’ve obviously just not been with the right man and I wasn’t thinking in the right way to respect myself. Finding someone who understands who I am and knows that I’m not a perfect housewife is important. However, finding out who you are, how you act (and accepting that) is even more important. You can then respond and understand your human design. Understanding that you are you and finding out how you emotionally operate is key to giving yourself a break and accepting who you are.
*I've removed Susan's real name for privacy reasons.